As I start to write this I am currently 3 weeks out from my ML assessment.
Gulp!
I’ve so many thoughts running through my head…
I can’t do this. I don’t know enough. Is my navigation really up to scratch? What happens if I get deferred? Will I remember everything? What happens if I actually pass. What will I do next?
I have kept this to myself so far. I guess it’s a fear of not being good enough. Being judged if I don’t pass. The pressure I put on myself. At least if people don’t know, I don’t have to share the news of being deferred.
As I sit here now finishing this off, 2 weeks after I passed, reflecting on the opening of this blog, I realised there were so many negative thoughts going round my head, it’s that word assessment, it’s a scary thing.. almost setting myself up for failure before I’d even started. I have worked on this so hard over the years on that self sabotage, but realise it’s still there a little, and I guess that’s only a natural thing.
How many of us do that with anything we want in life? Self sabotage ourselves. Talk ourselves out of stuff because we think we aren’t ready, good enough, not deserving of that?
I did my ML training back in June 2021 in that crazy covid life! And what a 3 year journey it has been to get to this point.
I almost walked out of my ML training on the first day because I had a horrendous experience with one of the trainers. I’m not going to go into detail, but I felt he had a problem with females in the outdoors (which I since have heard very similar stories), but I shall leave it there.
2022 was a weird year. Probably the worst year of my life for one reason and another, where I hardly stepped foot on the mountains.
So when 2023 came around I grabbed every opportunity to try again with it all. I spoke to Paul, my intended assessor to see if my Log Book (DLOG) was complete. He told me I just needed two more wild camps, I had enough Quality Mountain Days (QMD’s) logged and if I felt ready, I should book my assessment.
So off I went to start that journey again, and did my first ever solo wild camp. I was so excited, to get this done, then it was just a case of building confidence on my navigation and relearning my skills for rope work and looking into my flora, Forna etc.
Then boom, peri menopause decided to take my year!
It completely knocked me sideways with fatigue and brain fog (and various other symptoms). I remember looking at a map and it just made zero sense, in fact nothing made sense.
If I did a day in the mountains, I would then end up spending the next week recovering. It was like a switch of myself had been turned off, and I couldn’t for the life of me work out how to switch it back on and I just couldn’t understand why or what was happening.
So I just let it go. I didn’t have the confidence or energy to push myself.
I came into 2024 knowing I didn’t want yet another year to go by without at least trying.
So thats what I did, put my life on pause for a bit and weekends were taken up walking around the hills and mountains with my map and compass in hand, practicing belaying and abseiling and completing my exam paper ready for the assessment.
And as I sit here still typing this now, I’m having to pinch myself that ‘I am a Mountain Leader’.
I often wonder where I would be if it wasn’t for finding the freedom of the outdoors. It really is my happy place, my calm, my therapy, being able to sit at the top of the mountain with JB (my dog) and know that I have all this freedom around me.
It’s such an empowering feeling.
I fell in love with trail running about 8 years ago, and that is what ignited my love of the outdoors again, but it scared me!
I was scared to do it all alone. What if I got lost. What if the mist came down, how will I know how to get off the mountain. What if something happens to me. What if.. What if, I had so many what if’s…
I’ll never forget going out for a run with a friend, we went out in good conditions, but with zero kit and zero skills. We were in Church Stretton and had only intended to do 4 miles and knew we’d be fine, we knew where we were going (or so we thought!).. But the weather soon changed and we ended up getting lost in the mist. We had no idea how to get back to our cars, let alone where we were, and what was meant to be a 4 mile run turned in to a fourteen mile run. We had to ask someone for help and we found our way back - but I’ll never let him live that down!
But equally we were both responsible for ourselves.
Then one Christmas in Northumberland it all clicked, I had this desperate need to go and explore, I felt suffocated. I was scared, but knew I wanted to go and do it and knew the only way I could change things was by learning how to read a map properly.
So over the years I slowly started to teach myself navigation.
Then I got my camper van and it reignited this whole new passion and love of exploring. The mountains. Discovering new places. Wild swimming. I can’t quite explain it.
I have always loved challenging myself in different ways, it’s something I thrive on. I almost feel like I’m not achieving something in life if I’m not getting out of my comfort zone and learning something new.
For years I had wanted to become a Mountain Leader, I wanted women to have these opportunities and adventures. There is something empowering about being able to do this stuff and not rely on others to go with.
My aim is to bring likeminded women together to give you the opportunities to try new experiences. Maybe you want to get away and explore new and different mountains to have this confidence and empowerment of doing this stuff. It’s so hard the older we get to find ways over these hurdles likeminded women who understand us and this time of life. Too have had confidence and then feel like they’ve lost it.
My mission is to help women gain their confidence in the outdoors. To learn the skills needed. To come on adventures, explore new places, I have so many exciting plans and a few more courses to help bring everything together.
I don’t intend to have huge groups of women, I want them to be small, so you can get to know others at this same stage in life as you. I want you to be able to learn, make new connections and real friendships.
And if you’re scared…
I didn’t learn the skills I needed until I was in my late 30’s.
I didn't even do my first wild camp until 2020
Or my first solo wild camp until I was 41
And whether you want to join a small group trip or join me for a day alone, thats totally up to you, I am here to make it happen for you!